Why Does the Child Lead?

Why Doesn’t a Play Therapist Tell a Child What to Play With?

One of the questions I sometimes get asked about Play Therapy is:

“What do you actually ask the child to do?”

The answer can be surprising.

Often, I don’t ask them to do anything.

A child comes into the playroom and finds a range of carefully selected therapeutic resources. There might be sand, miniatures, clay, creative materials, puppets, dressing-up resources, musical instruments, sensory materials and opportunities for imaginative play.

Then something important happens.

The child chooses.

This is at the heart of the child-centred, non-directive approach I use within my Play Therapy practice.

What does non-directive actually mean?

Non-directive doesn’t mean the therapist does nothing.

It doesn’t mean there are no boundaries.

It certainly doesn’t mean leaving a child alone with some toys and hoping something therapeutic happens.

The therapist is actively present within the relationship.

But rather than arriving with an adult agenda for the session, we allow the child to lead.

I don’t decide:

“Today we’re going to talk about your parents separating.”

Or:

“Today we’re going to work on your anger.”

Or:

“Draw me a picture of your family.”

Instead, the child chooses how to use their session.

For some children, that freedom can feel unusual.

Children spend a lot of their lives being directed

Think about how much of a child’s day is controlled by adults.

Get dressed.

Eat your breakfast.

Put your shoes on.

Come to school.

Sit here.

Listen.

Finish this.

Don’t touch that.

Time for lunch.

Come inside.

Do your homework.

Brush your teeth.

Go to bed.

Most of those instructions are necessary.

But children have relatively little control over their everyday lives.

The Play Therapy room offers something different.

Within safe therapeutic boundaries, the child has genuine choice.

They decide what to play with.

They decide whether to involve me.

They decide whether to talk.

They decide whether something they create has a meaning they want to share.

They decide the direction of their play.

Why is this therapeutic?

The approach has strong roots in the work of Virginia Axline, who developed non-directive Play Therapy from Carl Rogers’ person-centred approach.

Axline established eight principles that continue to influence child-centred Play Therapy today.

They include developing a warm therapeutic relationship, accepting the child as they are, allowing freedom of expression, recognising and reflecting feelings, respecting the child’s ability to work through difficulties, allowing the child to lead, not rushing therapy and maintaining the boundaries needed for safety and reality.

One of these principles is particularly important to me:

The child leads.

The therapist follows.

That sounds simple.

In practice, it requires considerable discipline from the therapist.

The temptation to help

Adults are very good at helping.

We want to solve things.

If a child is struggling to build something, we want to show them how.

If they can’t find something, we want to find it.

If something breaks, we want to fix it.

If they tell us about a problem, we want to give them an answer.

Play Therapy can require us to resist that urge.

Imagine a child is trying to make something from clay.

It keeps falling apart.

The therapist could step in and show the child how to make it work.

But what happens if we don’t?

The child might become frustrated.

They might try something else.

They might ask for help.

They might abandon it.

They might discover their own solution.

Each response tells us something about how that child experiences difficulty.

More importantly, the child gets the opportunity to experience their own ability rather than immediately relying on an adult to solve the problem.

That can be powerful.

What if a child chooses aggressive play?

This is another area where adults can become uncomfortable.

A child might create battles.

Characters may fight.

A dinosaur might repeatedly attack something.

The therapist might be captured.

Someone might go to jail.

Something might be destroyed.

Adults can understandably wonder why the therapist doesn’t redirect the child towards something calmer.

Because the play may be serving a purpose.

The child may be exploring power, control, fear, safety, anger or something completely different.

We don’t know simply by looking at one piece of play.

Redirecting it immediately can interrupt the child’s process.

That doesn’t mean anything goes.

There are boundaries.

If the child is going to hurt themselves, hurt me or seriously damage the playroom, I will intervene.

Freedom exists within boundaries.

What if the child does the same thing every week?

Repetition can be important.

Adults often want to see obvious progress.

We may expect the child to move from one issue to another each week.

Children don’t necessarily work like that.

A child might repeat similar play for several sessions.

They might repeatedly bury something.

Repeatedly rescue someone.

Repeatedly make me lose.

Repeatedly create and destroy.

I don’t immediately decide what this means.

I notice it.

I remain curious.

I think about the pattern within the wider therapeutic process.

Then one week something might change.

The person who always needed rescuing rescues themselves.

The therapist is suddenly allowed to win.

Something that was always hidden becomes visible.

The change may seem tiny from outside.

Within the therapeutic process it can feel significant.

Why don’t you interpret the child’s play?

Because interpretation can easily become the adult’s story rather than the child’s.

A coffin doesn’t automatically mean a child is thinking about death.

A gun doesn’t automatically mean aggression.

A baby doesn’t automatically mean the child wants a sibling.

A fence around a sandtray doesn’t automatically mean the child feels trapped.

Symbols are personal.

Context matters.

Culture matters.

Relationships matter.

Patterns matter.

Most importantly, the child’s own meaning matters.

My role isn’t to prove that I can decode their play.

My role is to stay alongside them.

What does the therapist actually do then?

Quite a lot.

I pay attention.

I reflect feelings.

I notice the child’s choices.

I notice changes.

I maintain therapeutic boundaries.

I respond to invitations into the child’s play.

I notice what happens within our relationship.

I consider my own responses.

I think about patterns across sessions.

I use clinical supervision to reflect on the work.

Sometimes I speak.

Sometimes the most therapeutic thing I can do is remain quietly present.

Knowing the difference takes experience.

Does research support child-centred Play Therapy?

There is a developing evidence base.

A meta-analysis of 52 controlled studies found a statistically significant moderate overall treatment effect for child-centred Play Therapy.

Another review specifically examining child-centred Play Therapy in elementary schools included 23 studies. It found statistically significant effects across areas including externalising difficulties, internalising difficulties, self-efficacy and academic outcomes.

Research has limitations and no therapy works identically for every child.

But these findings support something Play Therapists have understood for a long time.

The relationship and the child’s ability to use play therapeutically matter.

Trusting the child’s process

After years of working therapeutically with children, one of the most important things I have learned is that I don’t need to know where every session is going.

That can be uncomfortable for adults.

We like plans.

Children sometimes need something different.

They need somebody willing to enter their world without immediately taking control of it.

Somebody who can tolerate uncertainty.

Somebody who doesn’t rush them.

Somebody who doesn’t require them to explain everything.

Somebody who accepts them.

And somebody who trusts that they have an important role in their own therapeutic process.

That is why I don’t tell children what to play with.

The choice is part of the therapy.