Behaviour Is Communication: What Might Your Child Be Trying to Tell You?

“He just exploded over nothing.”

“She knows she isn't allowed to hit.”

“He was fine five minutes ago.”

“She behaves perfectly at school and then falls apart when she gets home.”

“Why won't he just tell me what's wrong?”

If you are a parent or work with children, you have probably experienced moments when a child's behaviour seems difficult to understand.

We see the hitting.

We see the shouting.

We see the refusal.

We see the child hiding under the table.

We see them running out of the classroom.

We see the meltdown because somebody gave them the wrong cup.

What we don't always see is everything that happened before it.

Behaviour gives us information

You may have heard the phrase:

“Behaviour is communication.”

I think this can be a useful starting point.

But we need to be careful.

It doesn't mean that every behaviour contains a hidden emotional message that adults need to decode. Children's behaviour is more complicated than that.

Behaviour can be influenced by many things.

A child might be:

• overwhelmed

• anxious

• tired

• hungry

• frightened

• frustrated

• overstimulated

• understimulated

• experiencing pain

• struggling with a demand

• finding communication difficult

• dealing with an unexpected change

• trying to gain some control

• struggling with a relationship

• unable to understand what is expected

• carrying feelings from something that happened earlier

Sometimes several of these things are happening at once.

This is why I prefer to become curious about behaviour rather than immediately asking how we can stop it.

What happened before the behaviour?

Imagine a child becomes extremely angry because their usual teacher is absent.

From the outside, their reaction might appear completely out of proportion.

“It is only a different teacher.”

But perhaps this child relies heavily on predictability.

They arrived at school already anxious.

Their normal routine changed.

The classroom felt different.

Instructions were given differently.

They didn't know what was happening next.

Then another child moved something from their desk.

That apparently tiny event becomes the point where everything spills over.

If we only look at the final behaviour, we miss most of the story.

NICE guidance supports looking at the wider picture when trying to understand behaviour that challenges.

This can include communication, physical health, mental health, sensory needs, relationships, recent life events, changes in routine and the physical environment.

In other words, context matters.

Why does my child say “I don't know”?

One of the most common questions adults ask after an incident is:

“Why did you do that?”

And one of the most common answers is:

“I don't know.”

Adults sometimes interpret this as avoidance.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes the child genuinely doesn't know.

Understanding what happened requires several skills.

The child needs to remember what happened.

Notice what they were feeling.

Recognise what was happening in their body.

Connect their feelings with the event.

Understand why they responded in a particular way.

Then find the language to explain all of that to an adult.

That is a lot to ask.

Particularly if the child is still upset.

This is why repeatedly asking “Why?” doesn't always get us very far.

Regulation before reasoning

When a child is extremely distressed, that usually isn't the best moment for a lengthy conversation about consequences.

First, we need safety.

Then we need to help the child settle.

That might mean fewer words.

Space.

A familiar adult.

Reducing demands temporarily.

Moving somewhere quieter.

Providing something familiar.

Sitting alongside them.

Every child is different.

Once the child is calmer, there may be an opportunity to think about what happened.

This doesn't mean removing boundaries.

Understanding behaviour and having boundaries are not opposites.

You can say:

“I can see how angry you are. I won't let you hit me.”

Both parts matter.

The feeling is accepted.

The unsafe behaviour still has a boundary.

What about consequences?

Children need boundaries.

They need adults who are predictable.

They need to understand that some behaviour isn't safe or acceptable.

But consequences alone don't necessarily address the reason something happened.

Imagine a child repeatedly runs out of a noisy classroom because the environment has become unbearable.

We could create increasingly severe consequences for leaving.

The child might eventually remain in the room.

But have we solved the problem?

Perhaps not.

The original difficulty may still exist.

Sometimes we need to ask:

“What is this child finding difficult?”

“What happens immediately before this?”

“Where does this behaviour happen?”

“Where doesn't it happen?”

“What changes when things go well?”

“What might we change around the child?”

These questions can tell us far more than simply asking:

“How do we stop this?”

Why are they fine at school and completely different at home?

This deserves particular attention because I hear it so often.

A school may report:

“We don't see any of that here.”

Then the parent describes significant meltdowns at home.

Neither side is necessarily wrong.

Children can behave very differently in different environments.

Some children work incredibly hard to manage themselves during the school day.

They follow instructions.

Navigate friendships.

Manage noise.

Move between activities.

Cope with demands.

Deal with uncertainty.

Process huge amounts of information.

By the time they reach home, their capacity to keep managing everything may be exhausted.

Home may also be the place where they feel safest to release what they have been holding.

This is particularly important to consider when supporting neurodivergent children.

Rather than arguing about which version of the child is “real”, we need to become interested in why the environments produce such different experiences.

The playroom gives me another view of the child

This is one of the things I find particularly interesting about Play Therapy.

Sometimes the child I experience in the playroom looks very different from the child described outside it.

A child described as unable to concentrate might spend a long period completely absorbed in creative play.

A child who struggles with adult demands might manage the playroom extremely well when they have more choice.

A child who frequently becomes dysregulated in school might become settled once they enter a quieter, predictable therapeutic environment.

That doesn't mean the difficulties outside the playroom aren't real.

Quite the opposite.

The difference gives us information.

We can start wondering:

What is different here?

Is it the level of demand?

The sensory environment?

The one-to-one relationship?

Predictability?

Choice?

The absence of academic pressure?

The ability to communicate through play rather than words?

These are useful questions.

What happens in Play Therapy?

I don't bring a child into the playroom and tell them:

“We need to work on your behaviour.”

Behaviour is rarely the whole story.

In child-centred Play Therapy, the child has an opportunity to use play and creative materials within a consistent therapeutic relationship.

They may explore power.

Control.

Safety.

Relationships.

Nurture.

Aggression.

Winning and losing.

Separation.

Fear.

Competence.

Or something completely different.

I don't assume I know what their play means.

I follow the child's process and remain curious about what develops over time.

Sometimes changes happen quietly.

A child begins tolerating losing.

Their play becomes less chaotic.

They allow me closer.

They become more confident.

They begin asking for help.

They tolerate a boundary that previously felt unbearable.

These moments can tell us something about the child's developing emotional world.

Try changing the question.

When behaviour becomes difficult, adults understandably want it to stop.

Safety matters.

Other children's safety matters.

Parents and teachers matter too.

We shouldn't pretend that extremely challenging behaviour is easy for the adults supporting a child.

But after immediate safety has been addressed, try changing the question.

Instead of only asking:

“How do I stop this behaviour?”

also ask:

“What might be happening for this child?”

Then look wider.

What happened beforehand?

Has something changed?

Are they tired?

Are demands too high?

Could they be anxious?

Is the environment overwhelming?

Are they struggling to communicate?

Is there a pattern?

Does this happen with particular people, places or situations?

When does it not happen?

You might not find one simple answer.

That is okay.

Curiosity changes how we respond.

The child still needs boundaries.

But they also need adults who are willing to look beyond the behaviour they can see.

At The Spiral Tree Therapy Service, I provide child-centred Play Therapy for children experiencing emotional, behavioural and relationship difficulties across the Forest of Dean and Gloucestershire.

If your child's behaviour has changed, they are struggling to regulate their emotions, or you feel there may be more happening underneath what you are seeing, you are welcome to get in touch to discuss whether Play Therapy might be appropriate.