My Child Won’t Talk About Their Feelings

My Child Won’t Talk About Their Feelings. Can Play Therapy Help?

As a Play Therapist, one of the things I often hear from parents is:

“I know something is going on, but they just won’t talk to me.”

You might notice that your child has become angry, anxious, withdrawn or more emotional. Perhaps things have changed at school. Bedtimes have become difficult. They are having more meltdowns. Friendships are becoming harder. Or you simply have a feeling that something is troubling them.

You ask what is wrong.

“Nothing.”

You try again.

“I don’t know.”

For parents, this can be incredibly frustrating and worrying. You want to help, but you cannot help wondering how you can do that when your child cannot tell you what is happening.

This is one of the reasons Play Therapy can be so useful.

Children don’t always communicate through words

As adults, we often expect communication to involve talking.

If we are struggling, we might sit with a counsellor and talk about our experiences, thoughts and feelings.

Children are different.

Their emotional vocabulary, cognitive development and ability to make sense of experiences are still developing.

A child can experience something very strongly without being able to explain it.

They might know that their tummy feels strange before school without being able to identify this as anxiety.

They might become furious when something small changes without understanding why that change felt so important.

They might struggle after their parents separate but have no idea how to explain the mixture of sadness, anger, loyalty, confusion and worry they are experiencing.

Sometimes “I don’t know” genuinely means “I don’t know.”

This is where play becomes important.

Play is a child’s natural form of communication

Children communicate a great deal through play.

The British Association of Play Therapists describes play as children’s primary form of communication, with speech taking a secondary role within Play Therapy.

This does not mean that every game or picture contains a hidden message that needs decoding.

It means children can use play to explore experiences and emotions at a developmental level that makes sense to them.

A child does not necessarily need to sit opposite me and say:

“I feel powerless because so many things in my life are outside my control.”

Instead, they might create a world in which they control everything.

They might make rules.

They might decide who wins.

They might repeatedly capture and rescue characters.

They might bury things in sand.

They might create something beautiful.

They might destroy something they have just made.

Or they might do something completely different.

My role isn’t to immediately decide what that play means.

I stay curious about the child’s experience.

What happens when a child comes to Play Therapy?

At The Spiral Tree, my Play Therapy practice is primarily child-centred and non-directive.

That means I don’t decide what a child needs to talk about when they enter the playroom.

There is a carefully selected range of therapeutic resources available.

These can include sand and miniatures, clay, art materials, puppets, dressing-up resources, musical instruments, sensory resources and opportunities for imaginative and role play.

The child chooses.

They might paint.

They might create a sand world.

They might play aggressively.

They might nurture something.

They might want me involved.

They might want me to watch.

They might talk for most of the session.

They might barely talk at all.

There isn’t a correct way for a child to use Play Therapy.

But aren’t they just playing?

This is a question I completely understand.

A parent might ask their child:

“What did you do in Play Therapy today?”

And receive the answer:

“I played.”

That can leave a parent wondering what they are paying for.

The important difference is the therapeutic relationship and the environment surrounding the play.

I am not simply providing toys.

As a Play Therapist, I am paying attention to the child’s emotional communication, relationships, choices, patterns and changes.

I reflect feelings.

I provide therapeutic boundaries.

I remain consistent.

I follow rather than take over.

Most importantly, I build a relationship in which the child can gradually experience being accepted without having to perform, please or provide the right answer.

Why don’t you ask them what is wrong?

Because therapy isn’t an investigation.

This distinction matters.

If a child has experienced something difficult, questioning them repeatedly can create more pressure.

My job isn’t to get information out of a child.

My job is to create the conditions in which the child can explore their experiences at a pace they can manage.

Sometimes children talk directly about what has happened.

Sometimes they don’t.

Both are okay.

The British Association of Play Therapists describes child-centred Play Therapy as allowing children to lead their play and choose materials and activities without having to provide verbal explanations.

That freedom is important.

What if my child talks to you but won’t talk to me?

This can understandably feel difficult for parents.

However, Play Therapy works partly because the therapeutic relationship is different from the child’s everyday relationships.

I don’t replace a parent.

I don’t become the child’s friend.

I provide a specific therapeutic relationship with clear boundaries.

Confidentiality is an important part of creating that safety.

I don’t provide parents with a detailed account of everything their child says or does after every session.

There are clear exceptions around safeguarding and risk.

We also have appropriate reviews where we can discuss progress, general themes and the wider picture.

Protecting the child’s therapeutic space helps them develop trust in the process.

Does Play Therapy actually work?

There is research supporting child-centred Play Therapy.

A 2015 meta-analysis examined 52 controlled studies of child-centred Play Therapy conducted between 1995 and 2010.

The researchers found a statistically significant moderate treatment effect of 0.47.

More recently, Play Therapy UK has reported routine clinical outcome data involving more than 61,000 Play Therapy clients and more than 36,000 completed Strengths and Difficulties Questionnaire outcome reports.

It is important to understand that these are different forms of evidence.

A controlled research study and routine clinical outcome data cannot simply be treated as the same thing.

However, together with the wider research literature, they contribute to our understanding of how Play Therapy may support children experiencing emotional and behavioural difficulties.

Research also doesn’t mean Play Therapy will produce the same outcome for every child.

Children are individuals.

Their relationships, experiences, developmental needs and circumstances are different.

Therapy needs to recognise that.

How will I know if my child needs Play Therapy?

There isn’t one particular behaviour that tells us a child needs therapy.

You might consider seeking support if you notice persistent difficulties with:

• anxiety or worries• anger or emotional regulation• confidence or self-esteem• friendships and relationships• bereavement or loss• family separation• significant changes• experiences of trauma• school• withdrawal• behaviour that is becoming difficult to understand or manage

Sometimes there isn’t an obvious event.

You simply notice that your child doesn’t seem themselves.

That is worth paying attention to.

You don’t need all the answers before asking for help

After more than 25 years of working with children and families, one thing I have learned is that adults understandably want to make things better for children quickly.

But children don’t always need us to have an immediate answer.

Sometimes they need us to give them the space, relationship and time to begin making sense of things themselves.

Your child doesn’t need to arrive at Play Therapy able to explain what is wrong.

They don’t need to know what they want to work on.

They don’t even need to want to talk.

We can begin from where they are.

The Spiral Tree Therapy Service provides Play Therapy for children and families in the Forest of Dean and across Gloucestershire.

If you’re wondering whether Play Therapy might be suitable for your child, you are welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation.